I put in my headphones and queued "We Are the Champions" as I sadly, once again, walked away from my office recreational kickball game with my head hung low and my shoulders slumped. "I've paid my dues/Time after time." It felt like I could never catch a break. They say slow and steady wins the race but I was in perpetual last place! "And bad mistakes/I've made a few" Then the dark clouds parted and a sunbeam hit my eyes. "I've had my share of sand kicked in my face/ But I've come through!" And I knew what I had to do. Right there I decided to get a personal trainer, see a nutritionist, change my diet, drink protein, and go as far as climbing a rope. It was a win I needed bad. I was the worst kicker on the team, and my ex-had just gotten engaged to someone else with the same first AND LAST name as me. HOW?! HOW DO YOU MEET ANOTHER DEREK WATERS?! I knew I'd have to do my research because only the best of the best would help me be the best Derick Waters at work rec kickball.
Before starting to use protein post-workout, I knew I had to find the right protein for my goals . I needed something that would help bulk up my calves for kicking, my biceps for catching, and my fast-twitch muscles for rounding bases. That's how I found Gainful. They make customized protein powder based on your body, goals, and lifestyle, and even give you access to a registered dietitian to answer any questions you may have. Plus, Gainful's protein is organic, and natural, so I don't have to worry about my gains compromising the environment. Instead, the only thing compromised is the opposing team's score because, after six months of pumping iron and savoring shakes (Gainful is delicious), I put on 6lbs of muscle and dropped 15 lbs of body fat. Let me explain how.
The way you build muscle is by triggering muscle hypertrophy, the process by which muscle mass is increased. Lifting weights creates micro-tears in your muscles that are then repaired during the recovery process, making you bigger and stronger (I learned all this from the dietitian Gainful provided me). When you consume a complete protein (meaning one with all nine essential amino acids), you help your body make those repairs more effectively. All of Gainful's protein powder blends are custom-made for the person taking them. My Gainful dietitian explained they had chosen a casein protein base for me, because I go to the gym after work and like to drink protein at night after working out. Casein protein is great to drink at night because it's digested more slowly, so you can continue repairing your muscles while you sleep.
Doing 140 lbs on the chest press doesn't mean you can catch a ball, though. That's why I paid 15 sixth graders to play kickball with me during the winter months after the last frost but before the first thaw. Together with John, Maritza, Omar, Bitty, Dan, Danny, Danny P, Nadia, Caitlin, Danny D, Billy Bob, Hooter, Mike, Chris, and Chris D I went from playground zero to sandlot hero. They also taught me how to trash talk so hard that I could psych out any pitcher.
I still remember the first game of the new season, when I got up at bat. We were playing a team
of software developers from Amazon. I told the pitcher, "I hope you have overnight shipping because you're going to need a new face ASAP." Then I kicked the ball so hard that it jammed his index finger when he tried to catch it. The team had to use a substitute pitcher the rest of the game, and we had to institute a mercy rule once we got to 20 points! After that, everyone called me "Breaker". WHAT NICKNAME DOES YOUR DERICK HAVE, STEPH?!
I broke ties, I broke records, and I broke hearts. The only thing that didn't break was the bank because Gainful gets delivered to your door for only $1.50 per serving and with free shipping. That made it easier for me to pay all those sixth graders. I told them I'd buy each of them a Nintendo Switch, but they had to come to my game and carry me off the field singing, "No time for losers, because we are the champions of the world!" WHO'S CARRYING DERICK OFF A FIELD OF DREAMS, STEPH?!